Marriage is a culturally recognized union between people where you take full responsibility for the other person. A core aspect of marriage is the commitment to have sexual relation with only one partner. As the marriage progresses physical and emotional issues may arise and manifest as anger, avoidance, or infidelity.
Infidelity is an emotional crime against your partner’s soul. It is undertaken by a person who is trusted unequivocally.
A relationship is like a kite you have to pull the string hard in order to stretch it to its most beneficial limit but you don’t want to pull it so hard that you break the thread.
Sharing the statement of Senator Hillary Clinton after the former US president admitted the truth about Monika Lewinsky. He had denied the affair earlier claiming he was trying to protect his wife and daughter.-
USA Former First Lady-
“I could hardly breathe. Gulping for air, I started crying and yelling at him, ‘What do you mean? What are you saying? Why did you lie to me?’ I was furious and getting more so by the second.”
What statistics say about infidelity?
1.In about 40% of marriages extramarital affairs (physical or emotional )do occur at some point in the married life.
2. After finding out about the affair more than 50% of married partners decide to stay together.
3. Most people who cheat have been married for 20 to 30 years and are between 50 to 60 years old.
In a relationship, two factors are involved-
1. Need for closeness- So that sense of safety and security develops.
2. Need for distance- So that the spouse does not become subsumed or submerged in the personality and identity of the partner.
Over- Closeness between partners will lead to a powerful urge for freedom. This can manifest itself as infidelity.
Over- Distance or lack of engagement can leave the partner feeling undesirable which can prove a trigger for an extramarital affair.
Excuses for Infidelity
1. Sexuality- increased sexual urge or sexual addiction.
2. Boredom- Need for excitement or thrill.
3. Escaping reality- Too many problems in the present life.
4. Revenge- As a means for taking out animosity towards partner for being disrespectful.
5. Low self-esteem- Ready to do anything for a little praise received by an outsider
6. Early marriage- The feeling that they had to forego all the fun because they were married very early in life.
7. Normalising extramarital affair- By justifying the thought process that men are by nature polygamous.
8. Sexual incompatibility- Both partners may have different needs in which they are unable to communicate with each other.
Cheater’s Reaction After Being Caught
Most people believe they are moral and good. They also know cheating a partner is wrong so they justify the cheating by
1. Defensive reaction- Downplaying the affair and covering up the details.
2. Blaming the partner- Many partners will claim the spouse did not fulfill their needs.
3. Uncertainty- The cheater is trying to understand what action the partner will take and then play along those lines.
4. Guilt- Some may be genuinely guilty and some may show remorse just to calm down the situation.
5. Frustration and Depression- Life is not the same anymore. The cheating partner wants the episode to be forgotten and be forgiven as soon as possible so that life becomes normal again.
Four stages of pain and healing
1. The Discovery stage-
The day extramarital affair is discovered the world seems to collapse. This is a phase of being in complete shock. The feeling of anger and rage predominates. Fear of an uncertain future consumes the spouse. Self-esteem and self-confidence are at an all-time low.
2. The Grief stage-
A much longer stage after intense anger is the stage of grief. Moaning over the lost trust and the breakdown of the safe and secure home that was built. Crying, shouting, skipping work is all a part of this stage. Nightmares, sleepless nights, hypervigilance become routine.
3. The Acceptance stage-
This stage may take years once feelings of anger and grief are vented. It does not mean the partner is forgiven but it means they learn to live by the knowledge and transform into a new self and begin a new life.
4. Reconnecting stage-
Some couples decide to part, some may decide to be together but most couples do reconnect with each other and with friends or families in a new way. The couple will meet as new people who have no secrets to hide anymore.
Why do spouses stay after they have been cheated on?
It is easy to assume that infidelity would spell an automatic end to a partnership but it is not that simple.
In a marriage between the two poles of happily ever after and ultimate breakup, there can be many milestones from cohabitation, financial dependence, companionship, emotional dependence, physical dependence, and raising a family together.
We have a lot to think over as the practice of marriage holds less and less meaning for the upcoming generation.
We will look into the coping strategies of infidelity in the next write up till then let us ponder over the question: Is marriage a dying institution?
