On a particularly rough day when I am sure I can’t possibly endure anything I will like to tell myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that is pretty good
Before we deep dive into coping strategies let us have a look at stories of three women who dealt with infidelity in their own way –
1. I am a 65-year-old woman. I got married at the age of 25. My husband’s affair started when I was pregnant with my second child. I have always been very much in love with him and never believed he was the kind of man who would be unfaithful to me.3 years after my marriage I started noticing his long absence from home. His friends told me that he was taking interest in one of his colleagues. I felt my world had shattered. It was so painful to think of him leaving me and marrying the other woman. My husband never mentioned anything to me. He continued to provide me and my family with all comforts and luxury. I had my children’s and my future in front of me. I was not financially independent and had no support from my family. I felt if I ignore this little fact of my husband’s infidelity my life will continue to be the same. I did exactly the same. I never confronted him. He knew that I know about his affair. But we both chose to not talk about it. He still goes to meet his friend for an hour each day. My children have grown up and are happily married. I stay with my children a lot though I still take care of my home and husband as if nothing is wrong. All my life I have subdued my true feelings and my true self. I don’t hate my husband nor do I love him. I have raised my daughter to be a strong and independent woman.
2. I am a 35-year-old woman. I knew my husband was cheating on me. It was devastating. lt took me everything I had got- to just breathe, take care of the children, not to curl up in the bed and weep all day. I was bleeding inside. I had stopped eating sleeping and going to work. I had to do something to get my sanity back. One morning I just left. I couldn’t stay with him anymore. I am a financially independent person now and take care of myself and my needs.
3. I am female 38 years old. I am not sure of my marital status. I have not tried to hide from my friends and family that I am the second wife of my husband. This all happened 8 years ago. I was thirty then. He was my colleague. I found him to be a very jovial and kind man. I started thinking about him quite often. He rekindled feelings in me that had been dormant for long. Eventually, we got married in a quiet ceremony at my home. I was not allowed to click any photographs or invite my relatives to the wedding. I agreed to all this as I was madly in love with him. I knew he was married and had a family. I knew my marriage was valid in my eyes only and had no legal binding. He stayed with me for 2 years and then left. I am the CEO of the same company now where I met my husband as a colleague.
Marriage can be a source of life’s most enjoyable moments though it can also be a cause of one of life’s most painful experiences- Infidelity. Low self-esteem, guilt, depression, shame are most common in those involved. Infidelity is extremely distressful to the partner but 40% of victims experience intense pain and are unable to function normally. They become preoccupied with betrayal which consumes all their energy. The psychological condition they are going through is called Post Infidelity Stress Disorder and it is manifested as extreme rage.
The emotional damage caused due to infidelity in all the above cases could have led to a serious impact on their mental health leading to post-infidelity stress disorder.
Post infidelity stress disorder- Symptoms
1. Unstable emotions
2. Intrusive negative thoughts
3. Vivid flashbacks or nightmares
4. Alternating between feeling numb and striking out in retaliation
5. Reliving betrayal again and again
6. Loss of interest in work, hobbies and daily activity
The 8 R approach to coping with infidelity
Responsibility towards self should be of prime consideration –
Putting the past behind you and moving on. It is about not lingering in the past, showing compassion towards self in the present and looking forward to your future.
Refraining from making an immediate decision –
The initial stages of grief disorients a person. The stormy emotions prevent a person from making rational decisions. Refrain from either welcoming back the partner due to panic or divorcing because of rage or to make any major changes in life and lifestyle until emotional stability is achieved.
Regaining the ability to trust again –
Victims of Infidelity lose their ability to trust anyone. The sense of loneliness and isolation is all devastating. Realizing that an act of infidelity by one single person does not make the world a bad place to live in. There are many other people around us whom we can trust. The first step towards recovery is establishing a sense of security and safety.
Relationship decision –
Making a decision about the relationship status after analyzing all the factors whether the infidelity is an isolated incidence or a well-established behaviour pattern or the cheating partner is ready to make amendments in behaviour. Also answering the question of whether leaving or staying will be more beneficial for your peace of mind. The safety and security of people you are responsible for have also to be taken into consideration. Symptoms of decreasing levels of Mental and Emotional health should be taken seriously.
Rebuilding one’s life –
Taking care of oneself is of prime importance. Take part in extracurricular and sports activity of your liking. Connect with nature by going out for morning or evening walks, plan a trip you have been wanting to go all your life but did not, join a gym or a spa facility, change your wardrobe, and do not in any case neglect your appearance.
Reconnect with old friends and family members –
Spend time with people who are there for you, support you, encourage you and have a positive frame of mind. You are an amalgamation of five people around you so choose your friends wisely.
Rebound from the stressful situations –
Do not feel guilty for anything – your partner’s affair, your reaction to the affair and your anger. Just let the moments pass without any regrets. Connect to a compassionate therapist who can guide you through this journey.
Rely on your- self
Become financially independent and set realistic self-empowerment goals. Build on your talents and strengths. Achieve your professional and personal goals by working hard and not just thinking about how the affair has ruined your life. Do not feel sorry for yourself. Depend upon your abilities.
There is no right or wrong template for dealing with infidelity. The three protagonists in our stories were strong women who had the freedom to choose their own path. Whatever path you decide to take remember you are the most important person to your self and your mental well-being is of utmost importance.
